The Ten Commandments

Its 7:30pm on Friday night and, unlike most normal people, I am sitting in a cold damp church hall surrounded by a whole host of happy-looking folk waiting for some divine words of wisdom to breathe some peace and serenity back into my life now that the babies have arrived bringing chaos and destruction.

Last night I agreed, somewhat reluctantly, to accompany another member of the (motherhood) fellowship to an introductory seminar on the Alpha course. She hastily extended the invitation after a tearful outburst during which I declared myself incapable of ‘going on’ and being ready to hand in my letter of resignation as mother of two overly energetic offspring.

Now, as I survey the room, I realise I am blinded by a sea of smiles and intensely irritated by the joyous howls laughter. Good God, it’s like visiting time at the funny farm. They can’t all be this happy without the aid of prescribed medication?

‘Are you happy?' Shouts the rotund ‘leader’ from the pulpit. The smile he’s sporting could rival Mr Nicholson’s in ‘The Shinning’. ‘Do you feel lost or, confused about who you are? Are you ready for a new life?’

Yes, Yes and Yes.

‘Our divine Father died for us sinners,’ he continues passionately ‘we must live our lives according to the scriptures.’ Dear God, I am back at school. ‘I want you to take some time over the next few days to consider and explore the ten commandments and ask yourself truthfully do you honour God’s teachings?.’

Oh, I didn’t realise there was home work. But hey ho, I’ll give it a go.

Back at home tucked up in bed, I begin to consider the task in hand.

Number 1 "Thou shalt have no other gods before me"
Oh God, I’m only on the first commandment and already I’ve failed. I’ve always believed in a Divine Being but at our little home, God has manifested Himself as two four year olds.

Since their arrival, I realise that I live for my challenging duo. I hang off their every word in the vain hope a spark of genius will flash across the breakfast table any day now.

My celestial twins demand to be worshiped, to be treated with the utmost respect and to be waited upon hand and foot. They question all that is good and great in this world with the inevitable ‘Why, Mummy? Why?’ Their divine presence is felt by all who cross their path, whether they like it or not, in the form of exhaustion, vomit or debris and demand the utmost from their followers in terms of hourly activity and entertainment.

Oh well, on to Number Two.

Number 2 “Thou shalt not make any graven idol, nor bow down to it or worship it"
I do believe that this is a slightly unfair request.

I idolize Mr Starbucks and Mr Cadbury's. They have been there for me through thick and thin since we first engaged in a serious relationship some five years ago. As I sat in my local Starbucks for the second time that day (there really are very limited places you can go with two babies and a torrential downpour outside), I gently rocked my new off-spring off to sleep in their rather oversized pram. As I looked across the room, my eyes gazed upon a family sized bar of fruit and nut.

'Would you like a piece?' said the friendly voice as he handed me an entire strip of dark brown chocolate. As the soft creamy texture touched my lips, I was hooked. Many months later and three stone heavier, I realise that maybe our relationship is somewhat dysfunctional but we're working on it.

This is a tricky order. To end it all now, I just couldn't.

Surely, the man upstairs would understand?

Number 3 - "Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain”
Well, as evidenced by the last few paragraphs, I constantly appeal for some Divine help these days. Unfortunately, since the arrival of the Dynamic Duo, the Lord has helped me enormously to cope with the modern day pressures of motherhood: Me, ‘Good God, what are you doing?’ Them, ‘Nothing just painting the cat.’ Me, ‘Mother of Mary, have mercy on me.’ Them, ‘Whose Mary, Mummy?’

In my defence one could argue that I was merely appealing for help.

Number 4 - “Thou shalt remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy”
Ok, so this one, 10 out of 10. I am pleased to confirm that from Sunday through to Friday every week without fail, I consistently think about Saturday. No work. No peeling a child off one’s leg consumed full of guilt that another is looking up wistfully from the sidelines. It would be fair to say, I live for Saturdays.

As for keeping it holy…. Well define holy? It would be fair to say I worship the Sabbath. I try to do very little though the uninterrupted presence of my two angelic bundles of joy over the entire course of 12 hours which does mean Commandment number three is a tall order.

Number 5 -“Thou shalt honour thy father and thy mother”
Well moving on swiftly ….. I will just say this, Unconditional Love!

Number 6 - “Thou shalt not kill”
Hooray! Another, 10 out of 10. My God, I’m positively saintly. I am pleased to confirm I have never killed anyone and am not currently planning to.

Obviously, I have thought about it, but hasn’t every one? The commandment doesn’t say you can’t think about it, it just says don’t do it. Some days it’s my only relief against life’s daily challenges. They come thick and fast: people lecturing you on how to bring up your children or, the smug sods who inform you that your child has just peed on the floor outside the bank. They invariably mumble ‘I blame the parents!’ (Quite frankly, considering the current economic crisis, what better place to pee.)

Seriously though, why are these people sent to try us? Motherhood is trying enough. It ensures that we no longer function at full capacity anyway, suffering prolonged bouts of mental instability brought on by baby-induced sleep deprivation?

Number 7 - “Thou shalt not commit adultery”
Ok, too late… no only joking. Why don’t these religious types have a sense of humour?

Number 8 - “Thou shalt not steal”
This is good. It’s official. I am a model citizen. My off-spring on the other hand, may well have developed what can only be described as criminal tendencies.

Since, they discovered the use of their hands some many months ago, they have literally eaten their way round most supermarkets in our beautiful City, leaving little if not no evidence of their thefts, except for the chocolaty mouths.

Must seek legal advice as to whether age is a defence against theft?

Number 9 - “Thou shalt not lie”
Why? Isn’t it a given that every mother lies? Otherwise, the human race would surely die out. Haven’t you ever hear the howlers of every new mother after giving birth? ‘It wasn’t that bad.’ LIE. Or, when you’re drinking coffee with other mothers and the conversation turns to the joys of child rearing and you hear yourself say, ‘Oh yes. My life was meaningless before I became a mother. I love every second of bringing up my children .’ LIE.

Surely, in the interests of procreation, the Lord our God will forgive a few white lies?

And finally,

Number 10 - “Thou shalt not covert thy neighbour's goods”
Please, she has a live-in au pair, a cleaner, a personal trainer and can fit into her size 8 pre-pregnancy Seven jeans – you’d have to be Mother Teresa not to covert this!!!!!

Oh well, it’s safe to assume my road to enlightenment is far from over. But as a wise man once said, ‘our goal should be progress not perfection.’

Till next week, I’ll just keep praying.